By Rodney Hays

Many of you will be receiving the 2010 Census in the coming weeks and it is mandatory that you take the time to fill it out. Not only because it will help the government figure out how to spend billions of your tax dollars but also because it is very entertaining.

Some of you may be confused about what exactly is the Census. Well, let me just say that you are reading the wrong column, because I, like most of you, have no idea what the Census is. The theme for this year is "A Snapshot of America,' which is even more confusing because that sounds like a photograph taken from space to me and I just don't see how that will help.

What will help is a little research. As always, when I am doing research, I turn to the Internet --- The Source of All Truth.

As I began looking into the history of the Census, I found the first Census was taken here in America in 1290, when it was ordered by then President Rutherford B. Garfield. Back then the United States had 500 people and 147 coon dogs, which, ironically, was the population of my hometown, Cromwell, Okla. in the Census of 1980.

That's all a joke, of course -- except for the part about the population of my hometown. The first Census was ordered by the Constitution of the United States in 1790. That was 20 years after carbonated water was invented. I don't know why that's important but you can learn a lot about the world we live in from the Internet -- The Source of All Truth. And I do know that Diet Pepsi wouldn't exist today if it weren't for a brave man named Joseph Priestly, who was the first to put gas in liquids. Many seventh-grade boys have introduced gas into liquids since that time, but Priestly was the first.

I'm sorry, now back to the Census.

The first Census was taken in 1790 and the population of America at that time was 3.9 million -- by that time, the government stopped keeping up with coon dogs, but I can only assume there were thousands and probably a couple hundred poodles. The largest cities in 1790 were New York, Philadelphia, Boston and French Lick, Indiana.

Haha. That was a joke. Boston hadn't even been invented yet.

In 2000, the population was 281 million people, according to the Census. This year, the population is estimated to be at 308 million (and about 400 billion poodles, 97 million Yorki Poos and 10 million Coonie Poos, a sick combination of coon dogs and poodles).

This year's Census has 10 questions and is supposed to take about 10 minutes to fill out. Let's all translate that from government-speak: This Year's Census has about 4,827 questions, which should take until 2019 to finish. Good luck.

That's probably an over exaggeration, but not by much.

The questions this year have to do with how many people live in your home and where are those people from.

The first question is "How many people live in this home, apartment or mobile home on April 1, 2010?"

Seems like an easy question right. I mean this question wasn't on the SAT or anything. It's pretty straight forward.

Answer: 2.

Question No. 2: "Were there any additional people staying here on April 1, 2010 that you did not include in Question No. 1?"

In other words, "you seem like you can't do math, so we're going to ask again. How many people live in your house? Tell us. Tell us now."

The next question has to do with your domicile: Do you own (the American Dream), rent (like peasants) or live free in your home (like Kato Kaelin or Ryan Seacrest)?

The rest of the questions have to do with your phone number, your race, your age, your name and once again, are you sure nobody else is living in your house? Are you sure? Check your closets?

It is important to fill out the Census and make sure you send it back. There are congressional seats up for grabs and federal tax dollars at stake. Plus, if you don't fill it out, the government will have to do the math for you. And you don't want that to happen.

As an example or governmental math, a few months ago the U.S. American government was about $300 gazillion dollars in debt. Using government math, Congress decided the only way to get out from under of such a huge pile of debt was to spend $750 billion. So please, send in your Census and don't leave such important numbers in the hands of the government.

If you have any questions about this year's Census or why this country has an obsession with Yorki Poos, please feel free to send those questions to "In Perspective" in care of me here at the newspaper.

If you have a Coonie Poo, please send me a photo because I've never actually seen one. If you just want to join me for a Diet Pepsi and a Twinkie to celebrate the life of Joseph Priestly, give me a call. We can put gas in liquids all day long.

To read more of Rodney Hays' humor, check out his blog at www.rodneyhays.com. Follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/rodhays. Also check out his Facebook page.